***Gotta start with a little history. Just a little, the "Readers Digest" version I call it. (If you really want more then feel free to ask, I have "pages" of this stuff I could share with you.):
Eight months ago, my husband and I were sitting on our bed reading and he calmly asks, "What did you mean a year ago when you said that you wouldn't trust me again unless I turned my heart to God?" (The reason for this is in the uncondensed version of the story.) To which I replied, "Well, it isn't so much a checklist of 'are you doing what you should be doing' as much as it is what is your relationship with God." My husband then emotionally hits me over the head with "I don't want a relationship with God or you anymore." He was out of the house a few weeks later and had moved to California a few months after that. Those following months after that night were an emotional hurricane.
***End of the ugly history part. Now onto the good, Examined Life Worth Living part.
The stages of grief are very real to me. Including the most recent one...anger. I thought I was doing okay until I examined my life and asked, "Why am I so irritated and angry all the time." Now I know you are probably thinking, "Duh, your husband left you, moved to California and now you are raising five kids by yourself." I knew I had reason to be angry but I had gotten to a much better place about the situation and couldn't figure out where in the heck the anger was sneaking in. Examining your life is most always done in layers and as I dug a little more I hit the "nasty, ugly clay" we have here in Wisconsin.
What I realized is that anger is an ugly mask hiding something we really don't want to face. What I also realized is that I had a death grip on the "iron rod". If you aren't familiar with what that is, look it up in the Book of Mormon. It's actually a pretty neat story. Anyway, I had a death grip on the iron rod those following months after that fateful night eight months ago. Then as I relied on beautiful, amazing people in my life, kept close to my Heavenly Father and just survived I had subconsciously started to loosen the death grip. I had begun to have a more stable, relaxed grip on the rod of iron. What this analogy means is that I was a complete mess before, in complete shock. Now that the dust is settling, I am beginning to function a little better.
BUT...as I analyzed my anger, I realized I hadn't dealt directly with what had happened. To be honest, I guess I stuffed it away so I could function. I mean I had to function, I had five children to worry about. So now that the shock has worn off I am left with being angry...or having to face what has happened.
Truly facing what is beneath your anger is a scary thing. I haven't even done more than little sneak peaks beneath my mask. But I do know I'm tired of being angry. I know I am just hurting myself even more and not to mention what damage I am doing to those precious little ones that don't understand why mom is so irritable and angry.
Anger starts out small and before you know it is that ugly blob in an old horror movie encompassing everything in its path. I want to be free. I want to feel peace. I want to be who I am supposed to be and not this person under an ugly mask. I guess my journey has come to another fork in the road. If I examine it a little deeper, I bet it is all about forgiveness. But that is for another post.
So the question is: your mask might be huge like mine or just a little itty bitty one, but what is under your ugly mask of anger?
Wow. I am so sorry this happened to you. This is an interesting question. I think whenever I feel angry it stems from my insecurities. In moments when I am overly worried about something about myself I tend to be shorter and less patient with those around me. It really doesn't make any sense... and is somewhat selfish.
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